Renaissance

I haven't felt alive in a while. Almost as though I'm empty, living for nothing and everything around me is just made up. That the moment I wake up and my eyes open I feel a sense of brokenness. Almost like a glass cup that falls off a counter and shatters the moment it hits the ground. That my life has been blown apart and cannot be fixed. I've never questioned my faith in my entire life, but for some reason I question it now. If I'm really honest with myself, I don't even know if Christ is real anymore. I feel like I've been in a car crash, as if it happened in a flash, brakes screeching, my hearts not beating, broken glass and my ears are ringing. The breath in my chest has slipped and I'm sinking.


Have you ever felt lost? Now I'm not talking about lost in the sense of getting lost on a road trip, but like your heart, mind and soul are lost? You don't know where to turn for answers, the road you've been walking on has disappeared from beneath you and everyday you wait for something to make sense or have meaning. Being so called "lost" brings to the surface constant feelings of doubt, worry and frustration. We worry and doubt because all of a sudden things aren't going our way. We always want life to be happy and fun with no suffering or trial, but to be honest life isn't going to be like that at all. Sometimes life is going to get tough, hit rock bottom and we are always going to face times of hardship. Life doesn't seem so happy in hardship and everything you do always tends to get worse. Your thoughts, emotions and actions seem to boil up inside of you and then at one moment they explode. The moment your life explodes your world turns upside down and you hit rock bottom. Don't get me wrong, being at an all-time low is agonizing and painful, but during that time something clicks inside of us and we begin to see life with fresh eyes. It's hard to explain what happens from there, but life seems to fall into place. Almost as if someone has been in control the whole time and we didn't recognize it.


Lately during the times I've prayed I feel like the words I say are just an echo, bouncing off the walls and no one hears them. Almost as if the words are empty and no one is listening. I haven't heard God speak or teach me something in a while. It seems like it takes an eternity to get answers and most of the time i get confused with what I hear. Though my mind is filled with doubt and worry, I constantly trust that Christ has something better, bigger and greater than I can imagine. These two verses: Ecclesiastes 3:11 and James 1:2 have helped me tread water and not drown the past couple of days.


Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."


This verse has helped me see that God has his own time and plan. That he knows whats best for us, our future and the times ahead. It is hard to imagine, but like it says we cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. We can't understand how beautiful life is going to be, but we've got to take heart that things are going to fall into place according to his timing.


James 1:2-4 - "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


This verse has both troubled me and aided me greatly. Being joyful and happy in times of struggle is almost mind blowing. How often do you see people that are struggling complain? Really, think about it. People are always asking the question "Why does this have to happen to me?" - "How can I live through this?" or " What good things could come of this?" To often do we confront trial with worry instead of with love and joy. As ridiculous as it may seem, considering hardships as something of happiness will grow you in ways unimaginable.


I recently read a note from a man that had cancer. The man was a father, husband and an amazing Man of God. In his note he wrote about his love for God, his love for his family and his faithful walk with Christ. Throughout the note I could feel and envision the happiness and joy that filled this mans heart instead of complaint or frustration. The words that filled the note were of absolute love, thankfulness and understanding. Not once in the note did this man question, doubt or worry about what tomorrow held, but rather he fixed his eyes upon Christ and his Glory. This picture of joyfulness is such an inspiration to me. The way this man loved and sought Christ was unbelievable, especially under his circumstances. I never met this man because he past away before I knew him, but his life story has blessed me in ways that I cannot express in words. We should strive to be joyful in hardship like this man and I encourage you to trust God with all you have, even if things are looking gray.


These past days have been unbearable and dark, but I see light ahead of me and I'm running towards it. Until I finally reach the light, Christ is going to be what I hold onto most dearly.

Much Love,
Sean